The Little Book of Calm

(To be read in Bill Bailey's pseudo-calm voice)

Tip of the day

Why not start your day with a good cry?

Yes, that's it, have a good one.

Liberate those tear ducts.

Be one with the universe.

Yes, right after you open your eyes,

why not?

This way, your expectations for the day will not exceed the status of non-existence.

Low standards is the key to a long, happy life, you know.

Yes, right after you wake up,

after that last nightmare- anxiety- wet dream.

Yeah, why not?

Did you see Him or Her or It* in your sleep again?

Was it crawling with bugs and darkness?

Did someone touch you in your wee-wee?

Did it tinkle in your sleep?

Did other people see you?

Did you feel embarassed?

Was your dream filled with anxiety?

Was it filled with all that you ever hated sugar-coated with more anxiety?

Was it like a Hell-metaphor again?

Well,      perfect.

Then open your eyes and listen to your mind:

It's functioning consciously again.

It's beginning to think and feel knowingly again.

This is the miracle of waking up.

You could have been dead, for all you know!

Regaining your identity and all of humanity's collective acquired knowledge (you learn-ed bitch!)

All this in a second,

the miracle of waking up.

So listen to your mind.

Listen closely.

What does it say?

:                           “fuck”.

So, cry away my little one!

Cry away and be “merry”!

Oh, is it not fair?

Well, who promised you a fair one?

Oh, you don't deserve this?

Well, who does, bitch?

Why can't it be different, you say?

Why can't it be less horrible, you say?

How the fuck would I know , bitch?

I am the voice in your head.

I am the voice in your head.

I am the voice in your head.

Now fuck off and die, bitch.

*( vampires, animals, waifus, ponies, dead loved-ones)